


would it kill you if we kissed

by dduucckk



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Road Trips, it's vaguely a road trip, kind of???, this really does have a bit of everything huh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26735074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dduucckk/pseuds/dduucckk
Summary: Sirius leaned his head against the window and let his eyes flutter shut. Maybe if he slept, some of the horrible things would go away. Maybe if he slept, he would wake up to find that he was just on a normal road trip with one of his best friends. Maybe if he slept, he could forget the reason he was here at all.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 71





	would it kill you if we kissed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stagecrime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stagecrime/gifts).



> So kay introduced me to the song Drive by Halsey yesterday and I promptly wrote this pls enjoy

Sirius’s hand was clenched tightly around the steering wheel, and Remus resisted the urge to take it, to lace their fingers together, to do anything he could to take away this pain.

“Sirius,” he said softly, “are you okay?” He immediately regretted the question. How could Sirius be okay?

Sirius snorted, and Remus winced. “Yeah, Remus, I’m _fine_.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“Then fucking say what you mean, Remus.”

“Fine. You haven’t been back to California in six years, and now you’re back, how much worse do you feel?” Remus regretted that right away as well. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t say things like this, I’m just––I’m worried, Sirius.”

“Can you put on some music?”

“Sure.”

Remus connected his phone to the car’s bluetooth and hit shuffle.

_My hands wrapped around a stick shift  
Swerving on the 405, I can never  
Keep my eyes off this_

That night, they stayed in the first shitty motel they found. Sirius barely said anything, just mumbled a goodnight before falling into one of the small beds and pulling the blanket over his head. Remus knew he was only pretending to sleep, but he didn’t try to speak. Insead, he sent James a quick text ( _he seems okay so far, we stopped for the night, i’ll text in the morning_ ), then changed into his pyjamas and climbed into the other bed. He was asleep within minutes.

~~~

They left early the next morning, and Sirius didn’t protest when Remus suggested that he take a turn driving. The early morning sun shone through the car windows, lighting up Remus’s face until he looked almost otherworldly. Sirius wanted to reach out and touch the bright golden curls, find out what they felt like when the sun shone through them. God, he really was sleep deprived.

Sirius leaned his head against the window and let his eyes flutter shut. Maybe if he slept, some of the horrible things would go away. Maybe if he slept, he would wake up to find that he was just on a normal road trip with one of his best friends. Maybe if he slept, he could forget the reason he was here at all.

It didn’t work. His dreams were filled with Regulus, Regulus who he’d lost, Regulus who he hadn’t seen in six years and now would never see again. Regulus who he missed. Who was the only thing he missed about California. His only regret when he left was not bringing Regulus along, and look where that led. He woke with tears in his eyes, and sent up a silent thank you to––well, he didn’t really know who, but to _someone_ ––when Remus pretended not to notice him wiping them away.

_All we do is drive  
All we do is think about the feelings that we hide  
All we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign_

It was quiet in the car. Sirius drifted in and out of sleep all day, and Remus made no effort to wake him. The desert outside the windows was vast and unchanging, and it made him feel tiny and scared and unimportant.

Late in the afternoon, Sirius reached out and turned on the radio.

“It’s too quiet in here,” he said in answer to Remus’s questioning look.

Remus watched Sirius out of the corner of his eye. The dark circles under his eyes hadn’t gotten any smaller, and his hand shook slightly as he changed the channel.

Remus pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Here,” he said. “Just use the bluetooth.”

Sirius took the phone and scrolled through Remus’s playlists, finally choosing one with a grin. He connected the phone to the bluetooth, and the opening lines of _Party In The U.S.A_ started playing. Sirius opened his window and stuck his head out, letting the wind tangle his hair, and shouted the lyrics to the empty desert. Remus joined in for the chorus.

_So I put my hands up  
They’re playing my song  
You know I’m gonna be okay  
Yeah, it’s a party in the USA  
Yeah, it’s a party in the USA_

Sirius’s smile when the song ended was breathtaking, and Remus almost couldn’t look away.

~~~

They stopped at yet another motel that night. This room had a small balcony, and Sirius stood there, leaning against the rail with a cigarette between his lips. Remus watched him for a moment, then went into the bathroom to change.

Sirius still hadn’t moved by the time Remus fell asleep.

~~~

The early morning light shining through the balcony doors woke Remus from a deep sleep. He wasn’t alone in the bed, he realized. Despite the second bed in the room, Sirius had, apparently, got into Remus’s bed and wrapped himself around Remus. He was sleeping soundly, his breath coming in little puffs against Remus’s neck.

Remus didn’t move, didn’t want to wake Sirius from the first proper sleep he’d had for a week. He tightened his arms around Sirius’s back and pressed his face into Sirius’s hair. Sirius sighed in his sleep and moved closer to Remus. Remus’s heart hurt, just a little bit. He pressed a soft kiss to Sirius’s forehead.

Sirius’s eyes fluttered open. Remus could feel his eyelashes against his neck. His heart skipped a beat, and he moved back slightly, hoping that Sirius hadn’t noticed the kiss.

“Good morning,” Sirius murmured. His voice was hoarse, and his eyes were only halfway open, looking blearily up at Remus.

“Morning,” Remus whispered.

Sirius smiled, and buried his face back in Remus’s neck. “I probably should have asked before I fell asleep here.” His voice was muffled, and his lips touched Remus’s neck as he spoke. Remus shivered.

“It’s okay,” Remus said. “I don’t mind.”

Sirius looked up at him again. He was close enough that Remus could see each tiny bit of stubble on his face. “Oh,” Sirius whispered. Remus could have sworn that his eyes flicked down to Remus’s lips.

Remus tightened his arms around Sirius’s waist. “How are you feeling?” he asked.

Sirius looked startled by the sudden change of topic. “What do you mean, how am I feeling?”

“You haven’t talked about what happened, about any of it. You can’t keep bottling it up.”

Sirius sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it, Remus.” He wriggled out of Remus’s arms and stood up. “I’m going to get dressed, we should leave soon.”

Remus sat up, still tangled in the blankets. “If you ever do want to talk about it, Sirius, I’m here. You know that, right?”

Sirius paused, one hand resting on the bathroom door handle. “I know, Moony.”

_Your laugh, echoes down the hallway  
Carves into my hollow chest, spreads over the emptiness  
It's bliss  
It's so simple but we can't stay  
Over analyze again, would it really kill you if we kissed_

Back in the car, Sirius was driving again. The closer they got to the city, the more his anxiety grew, until he felt like it was going to consume him. When the buildings and bright lights came into view, Sirius pulled over to the side of the road and rested his forehead on the steering wheel.

“I can’t do this Moony, I just––I can’t.”

He felt a hand on his back, the gentle pressure calming him down. “We can turn back if you want to,” Remus said. “There’s nothing wrong with going back.”

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, but the tears still escaped. “I can’t go back either, Moony. Wha-what would Reg think if-if I missed his fu-funeral?” He could barely get the words out between his sobs, and his grip on the steering wheel felt impossibly tight.

He heard the click of Remus’s seatbelt being released, and then suddenly he was being pulled into Remus’s arms, and Remus was rubbing his back and making soft shushing noises as his shirt soaked up Sirius’s tears.

“Regulus wouldn’t care,” Remus whispered into Sirius’s hair. “Regulus would want you to do what’s best for you, and he would understand if you couldn’t go. He would understand if you didn’t want to see your family again.”

Sirius took a deep, shuddering breath. He knew that. Of course he knew that.

“It’s my fault,” he mumbled into Remus’s chest.

Remus hugged him tighter. “It’s not your fault, Padfoot.”

“I could have taken him with me, I could have done something to get him out, I could have helped him!” Sirius was shouting now, his hands fisted in Remus’s shirt.

“Sirius, I promise you, it’s not your fault. There was nothing you could have done then and nothing you could have done after, because you had to focus on getting _yourself_ out. He chose not to come with you, he chose to stay.” Remus took Sirius by the shoulders and moved him back just enough to meet his eyes. “You’re not responsible for his choices, Sirius. Okay?”

Sirius nodded. “Okay,” he whispered. _I love you_ , he thought.

They stayed there for a while, just sitting in the car, watching as the sky darkened and the stars appeared. Sirius tugged on Remus’s hand, and they both got out of the car and sat on the side of the road. Their hands found each other, and their fingers laced together, and Sirius leaned against Remus, his head resting on Remus’s shoulder.

“I love you,” he whispered.

Remus laughed. Just once, and he tried to stop himself. But he laughed.

Sirius laughed too. “Is my declaration of love that funny?”

“Not at all,” Remus said. Something in his voice made Sirius’s heart skip a beat, made his stomach flip. Made him lift his head from Remus’s shoulder, and look at his face.

Remus was smiling down at him, and his smile was brighter than all the stars in the sky.

“I love you too,” he said.

Sirius felt his own smile break across his face, and he tucked it into Remus’s neck to hide his blush. He felt Remus wrap an arm around him and kiss the top of his head before resting his cheek against Sirius’s hair.

Later, they would talk about Regulus, about whether they should keep going or turn back, but in that moment, they just held each other, happy to be there underneath the twinkling stars.

_And California never felt like home to me  
Until I had you on the open road and I was singing_

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [tumblr!](https://dduucckk.tumblr.com)


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